Afraid?

I wish that I wasn't so afraid of things.

for example: I am scared of heights, I'm scared of spiders. I hate chalk and chalk boards so much it can be classified as a fear. silly thinks to be afraid of right? but i can't help it but it would make life easier if I wasn't

But at the moment... I wish I wasn't afraid to be me. To show the world who I really am. Maybe its because I don't know who I am that I am afraid of it. or maybe I do but I'm scared of everyone's reaction. I wish I had the courage to stand up for myself. I really wish that for all my silliness of calling myself amazing... that I actually believed it. 

My fear is rooted in my past. things that happened in primary school and high school. I thought I had moved on. but apparently not. I feel like I have to live up to someone's expectations. Mostly my parents expectations. I know they love me for who I am... but I know that they are disappointed in me. 

I wish that I was able to live up to the expectations. but I am not perfect. I have never pretended to be... but for some reason... people still think I should be. 

I am sick of everyone expecting me to be someone I am not. Expecting me to know what is going on all the time. and yet when I am wrong or lost or slightly confused... people mock me and call me stupid and other stuff

maybe my fear is of people and peoples opinions. all in all I guess what I am trying to say is... Be nice, Be careful what you say and do. little things could trigger someone off at the slightest push. I mean look at me.... 

exams, life and other random stuff

its exam season here at the moment. i have had 3 out of my 4 exams already. i am totally sick of studying and being stuck indoors slaving over notes and past tests and everything else that comes along with them.

it was nice weather this week at points and so we lay in the sun and studied. i got sun burnt on ONE side of my body... and so im going to have a pretty funny tan line :)

I also now have a place to stay next year. FINALLY! its a nice 3 bedroom place with two teaching students. its in a nice neighborhood and has a REALLY nice kitchen. and we have a trampoline which is pretty awesome :)

i cant believe how fast this year has gone. its hard to believe i have been at uni for 2 semesters and i have almost completed my first year. i have a job lined up for the summer which should be great fun.

BOOKS

I love books. I just finished a reading a new book. I bought it yesterday. Its called Crewel by Gennifer Albin. I almost gave up on it about 10 chapters in because it was such a complex storyline. With my dyslexia it makes reading complex things very hard. But I persevered. It took me about 5 and a half hours to read the 23 chapter book. It was a brilliant story of a girl's use of her talents and how she aims to protect her family and those she loves. Romance, Betrayal, Sarcasm, Battle of the Wits and multiple other factors came into play.
The characters were very well built and its very easy to pick sides. The set up of the characters reminds me a bit of the Hunger Games (By Suzanne Collins for those who dont know) with the main character striving to protect her younger sister. It  became easy to side with the main characters and you begin to grasp the futuristic community and its flaws which the main characters seek to show.

The only let down... It was written to have a sequel... and it was released at the start of this month. Which means I have to wait for ages for the next book :/ that has got to be the one frustration when finding a good book. is when it has sequels... and you have to wait for the next one.

long time, no post

Hello world.

long time no post.

The past few weeks have had ups and downs. I'm still chugging along quite nicely though.

Lets see. last week my family came down to visit me. It was a nice week and I had lots of fun. The weather has been a bit random it rained most of the week and today it is stunning. lovely and sunny. i hope it is like this tomorrow.

I am having a few friend problems but hopefully they will pass over because I seem to have done something and I don't know what. But hey I have other friends who are helping me through it so hopefully it will all work out.

I have 2 weeks of lectures left for the year so I'm excited for the summer months and working.

I'm finally getting somewhere with my life.

have a brilliant week and remember to keep smiling

Jeans

I went shopping for jeans on the weekend as mine were falling apart. I decided to go with a couple of friends. It was a fun shopping trip and i ended up coming home with 2 pairs of jeans and a pair of shorts. I did feel short because the jeans were actually 3/4 jeans and they are too long on me... but it saves me having to hem them. :) The other thing is that the jeans are purple and orange... a very bright orange and the short are yellow 

The lighting is kinda bad but the orange ones are kinda a highlighter orange and the purple are lilac. 

I wore the purple one yesterday with mixed comments... some people like them others didn't. I made some of my friends days cause they thought they were so amusing. I think the worse one was that one girl (who i knew) actually pointed and laughed. I was surprised at the fact that I didn't care. Yes it hurt a little but I finally don't mind what other people think.

I'm wearing the orange ones today and cant wait to see the reactions I get :) Life is to short not to live it up a little. 

"Live the life you love, love the life you live" (no idea who said it, a girl in the gym had it tattooed on her arm)

change

One person cannot change the world alone. 

But one person can change their own lives. 

They can make one small difference in one other person’s life. 

And if that person goes on to make a difference in one other person’s life and this chain keeps going then eventually the world will change bit by bit. 

So in essence one person cannot change the world alone but their actions may. 

change is not a bad thing. It is something that needs to be embraced. Change means our lives are moving forward. So live in today and worry about the future only in your spare time. because change will happen no matter what and there is nothing you can do to stop it. So don't worry even if the change seems bad everything will work out fine in the end because somethings take time and pressure. and without change sand would never become pearls and coal would never become diamonds. Everything has to undergo some form of change if they want to progress.

So remember one small thing... a smile, just saying hello... can mean the world to a stranger. restore faith in humanity and live for something... Anything :) even if it is your dog or a plant. there is someone or something that needs you. 

Live life, love life.

Creativity

so this week I decided to do something creative

This is what I did:

I bought a cheap singlet and a vivid that doesn't come off in the wash and drew a monster on it. Seeing I don't draw it took about 10 drafts before I came up with this but I think it looks pretty cool. I wore it out and had a random sales assistant tell me how cute it was so my proudness levels sky rocketed :) 

This is a door... a monster door. The hair is made out of strips of coloured crepe paper. The eyes were circles of plain white paper which we painted black circles on. the mouth is also plain white paper. it took about 1 and a half hours to put together a lot of blue tac and sellotape. the overall result was pretty cool though 

I also wrote a poem and played my violin so I think this weeks productive creativity has been pretty successful and seeing the weather has been awful it was nice to add a bit of colour back into the day.

Get creative guys and make every little thing count cause you never know who's day you might brighten 

We Will Remember

I wrote this poem in rememberace for all the soldiers that have died to defend us.

We Will Remember

They left in numbers

Too great to recall,

Fighting for freedom

And peace for us all.

Many were young,

And most were afraid,

And all of them knew,

The fate that they faced.

And yet they still fought,

Never gave up,

To protect the world

And all that they loved.

 

We will remember,

We will persevere,

Keeping close

What they fought for,

For all those years.

We shall move forward,

We shall stand tall,

We shall remember,

Those who were torn.

With the hope of tomorrow,

We will conquered our fears,

Facing our lives,

Even when they seem hard to bear

We will remember,

We will live on,

Striving for freedom,

And peace for us all.

 

By Jennifer Parkinson

Spring

IT IS OFFICIALLY SPRING!!!

It is the first of September down here in little old New Zealand which signifies SPRING!!!

So far the weather has been lovely. It feels a bit like summer (which is lovely) and there are daffidols EVERYWHERE!!! there yellowness just makes the world look so happy. There are little lambs and calves every where. And cygnets (baby swans). no ducklings yet... but in the next few weeks i expect to start seeing them. There are cherry blossoms all over the university. Every time there is a gust of wind pink petals a blown every where. It looks like it is snowing pink... stunning. The trees outside my window are starting to get leaves on them :)

I love the smell of spring... it smells so fresh and new. can't wait for the rest of the spring months

cousins

I really do love having cousins. I have a grand total of 23 of them ranging from 32-3. Most of them have lived close my whole life. 4 of them live overseas and I dont really get to see them but I know them and really love hearing about their lives. I really miss the days where we would run around being silly and just generally having fun. I even miss the days where we would talk for hours on end about nothing.

I still see all my cousins but not as regularlly. I last had a good talk to the cousin I was closest with a good 6 months ago. He lives 2 hours away and has visited my uni 3 or 4 times since we have been at uni. And not once did he visit me. He doesnt tell me anything any more. This really hurts as once upon a time we were so close we couldve been twins (we even looked similar). And now... I never see him. Some people from my hall have seen him more times then I have this year. And its kind of sad when they start telling me about his life because he hasnt bothered.

And then my other cousins I hear from every now and then. but that doesnt hurt as much because we were never as close. I love my cousins dearly and love to talk to them and hear about there lives (preferablly from them though).

So here is to all the times we have had and will have. I hope that they will be numerous and wonderful. xx

My mum

I thought I would take a minute out of my busy day and spend a few minutes in appreciation of my ever so insperational mother.

She is a textile artist and a mother. I remember from a young age being surrounded by material, thread, paint and all sorts of craty things. As children we used to sit in her sewing area and look at all the material we were never allowed to use because it was the 'special stuff'. Recently while I was at home I was looking at mums material and discovered that the 'special' materials still havnt been used this made me smile. As a small child when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always replied with 'A mother and a quilter' when questioned why the reply was always 'Just like my mum'. For the past 3-4 years I havent wanted to have children, but recently I realised that if I didnt I wouldnt be fufilling my dreams of when I was a small child. I will never be a quilter like my mother but I really enjoy felting (another craft my mother taught me) and I think that is close enough. I also want to have children now so I can pass on everything my mother taught me.

My mum has 5 incredibly trying children ranging from 20-8. All of us with our own challenges. She is incrediblly patient with us even though we always are naughty and mischevious. All of us are highly gifted spirited childern who are very determined. I admire my mother for all the hard work she puts into raising us and keeping us busy (we get bored easily). Each of us are so different. Each with our own special talents and abilities. My mother has been able to nurture and help us develope each of these talents (when there are 5 kids this takes a lot of effort).

I never realised how much she did/does for me until I moved away from home. Now while at university I miss just sitting down and chatting with her even our disagreements. In the last week I think I have called her 3-4 times. I would laugh at her for the amount of time she spends talking to her sisters and mother (especially her twin) but now I am just as bad. I think being so far away from them proves how much I rely on my sisters and mother. I try to call at least once a week to talk. And for some reason I can always find something to say. I called her the other day just to ask her how to sew something on. It seems more logical calling my mother than googling something I dont know how to do.

Everytime we go anywhere she tries to tell at least one person the look nice. The amount of smiles and shocked looks she gets given when she does this is so cool. I have been aiming to do this but my shyness gets the better of me.
I sent mum a letter of apprectiation the other day. She recieved it yesterday and I managed to make her cry :) though this time it was good tears and i didnt feel bad for it. Today she will be recieving a bouquet of flowers (Irises, Daffodils and spring flowers) I hope that I suprise her again. all because she hasnt been well for the past weeks.

I will always value her opinion and everything she does for people. I am trying everyday to be more like her. Slowly I am becoming more like her. Strong, Independent and wonderful. I will never be a great as my mum but I hope that one day I will be as much of a wonderful parent to my children as she is to me.

<3 Thanks for everything mum

The stripy t-shirt... revisited

The short story i submited into a compation about 2 months age (The Stripy T-Shirt) got 3rd place. according to someone else who entered it there were a large number of entries. I am in shock over this result. yes it wasnt first but a 3rd!!! what makes me the most excited about this is that I got a place AND Im Dyslexic!!! it helped me to prove to myself that despit a difficulty I can still do well at something.

This has inspired me to start writing poetry again and more stories and such.

I shouldnt let my dyslexia stop me.

People who were/are dyslexic: Roald Dahl, Albert Einstein, Leonardo Di Vinci, Winston Churchill, Agatha Christie, Hans Christian Anderson, Walt Disney, John Lennon, Thomas Edison, Steve Jobs, Alexander Graham Bell (the guy who invented the telephone), Steven Speilberg, Harrison Ford, Jamie Oliver.

oh and of course Me :)

It is time to embrace our differences, follow our dreams, and not give up no matter what challenges we face in life! Some of the most famous people in the world are dyslexic so i am going to embrace my difference and make it wokr for me. You should all do the same! :)

Love this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7q1bHK8te0
Good Morning, Sunshine- Alex Day
Im a bit obssessed with this song at the moment. its such a catchy tune and a cute song in general :) give it a listen and it will brighten up your day :) promise :) then if you like it check out some of the rest of his music. its all cool

YUSSSS!!!!!!!!!

so after all my procrastination from studying and lack of motivation... i managed to pass my exams and even got an A+!!! that was the highlight of well... the entire semester... everyone said "well it was an easy paper" SO!!!! ITS STILL A A+!!! who cares if it was easy or not!!!! and I managed to pass a paper that has the highest fail rate out of all 100 level papers... soooo I am pretty impressed with my self. this semester is looking pretty good and i think its gunna be heaps of fun :) hopefully i still feel this way in two weeks after it has started getting more intense.

HOME!

I made it back home in one piece! After an amazing night out to dinner with my awsome friends (I ate WAY too much! but it tasted sooo good I just couldnt help myself) I had a decent sleep got some music off a friend. The next morning I had a knock at my door... I expected it to be my friend amy, but it was one of my guy mates coming to say have a good holiday and good luck with my results and such. It was rather sweet. My cousin (who is a complete sweetheart) then came and picked me up and took me out to the airport. We got about 10 minutes away and I realised I had forgotten my ticket! :O so we stopped by at his flat and printed off another one! thank goodness for technology. We arrived at the airport with 30 min to spare. got checked in and said goodbye. I spent 30 min sitting in the airport watching the training helicopters buzzing around. I boarded the plane and had no one sitting next to me so had 2 seats to myself it was very nice. I read some of my book and listened to music most of the flight. at about 10 min to go I looked out the window and managed to spot my house from the sky. It was very exciting (Yes my maturity is that high). When we landed and got off the plane i almost fell down the stairs (thank goodness I didnt) I was greeted by my smiling mother. Daddy then came and picked us up (he stayed with the car so we didnt have to pay for parking). On our way home we stopped at a bakery and got lunch. YUM! Once home we ate and I spent 2 hours just chatting with mum. When it was time for school (primary school that is) to finish we went and picked my younger brothers up. They were sooooo excited to see me. :) it was the cutest thing ever. I missed them so much. My younger sister seemed quite excited too. We also stopped in and saw our grandmother as well which was nice on our way home.

This morning I went and visited a friend from high school and sat and chatted with her for about an hour.

I am totally enjoying being home. but I think by the time I leave I will be glad to go. I am missing my friends quite a lot already. But hopefully that will change. Its strange having to share a room and not having people my own age around constantly and having parents telling you what to do. 3 weeks and I will be back at uni so I better enjoy this while it lasts :)

yay!

I am very excited! I have one exam left! and i am going home tomorrow morning for 24 days. And tonight I am going out with my amazing friends for dinner to celebrate making it through the semester. :) through all the bad stuff and the fun stuff and the absolutly epic stuff. its going to be amazing!

New Friends

I am loving my friends. Since coming to uni I have gone through the similar pattern that occured in high school. I started with one group which has slowly evolved into another. Though 4 of us from the originals remain (form 10) and we have 2 others. They are sooo much fun and the fact we can spend hours talking about nothing proves they are proper friends.

Last night we went looking for one of our friends when we got back from dinner and couldnt find him. he had left his room unlocked and so we cleaned it to trip him out. it worked. After that we spent the next 2 and a half hours just sitting in the stairs talking and lauging and having fun. Tonight we made spiders (ice-cream floats/sodas in good old NZ we call the spiders for some weird reason). We sat in the kitchen with the ice-cream and fizzy drinks and just had fun. We are going out for dinner next week as an end of exam celebration and i cant wait! its going to be soooo much fun. We are all similar but yet so different.

We also are totally immature and mature at the same time. 3 of us love disney movies (still). We do childish things like being airoplanes, skipping being silly, laughing at the randomist things and soooo much more.

I am looking foward to next semester even more now that i have amazing friends to hang out with! we dont fight (not for real), we find each other funny and just generally enjoy each others company. They accept me for who I have been, who I am and who I will become. Its good to know that through the tough times that I have good friends who will be there to help me through. And that I am able to help them out as well.

So heres to good friends, Those in the past, present and future. Heres to those who REALLY care about us. Heres to what tomorrow might bring, because with who Ive got helping me face it Im ready for anything. Cheers!

1 down 3 to go.

Had my first exam today... It went A LOT better than I expected. all my hard work and study paid off apparently. Though I will have to wait and find my mark out first.

I got to use a reader writer for my exam today. It was rather weird. Im not sure if I liked it or not. I kinda felt dumb when i was telling her what to write. It just made me feel odd. I dont know if I will use the writer part again. I might try it for my essay in my next exam but I think it will just confuse me even more.

It kinda hurt my self esteem a little bit.

Well 1 down 3 to go

exams

argh!!! I hate exams!!! they are waaaaay to stressful and they are hard and annoying.

Study just get soooo boring!

I will be glad when the next two weeks are over.

learning

Today is the last day of classes for my first semester at university. I Have a test. I have spent the last hour helping a friend who hasnt gone to any of the lectures for this topic. I have learnt a valuble lesson from him. Go to class. Learn what you need to. Learn from mistakes, of your self and others. because having the knowledge to deal with a situation will be very helpful when you get to the situation.

I am glad I know what I am doing :)

keep it real guys and have a brilliant friday :)

The little things You tend to not notice.

It such a wonderful feeling to know you are a good person.
I am no longer the dorky little kid from primary school who had no friends.
Im the person that people like. Will go out of their way to talk to.

This evening I met a girl I have never met before. She wasnt going to sit with us at dinner but decided to but said she probably would not talk much. I had a very plesent conversation with her. When me and my friend got back she told me I was really good at making people feel comfortable and getting people to talk. I had never noticed it before.

The other night I was complaining about being short and fat. The girl I was telling turned around and told me that I wasnt fat and that My prettiness made up for the height. I went into shock. I have never had someone who barely knows me tell me I am pretty. It was such a nice change.

While standing in the hallway tonight a girl who I have seen but never talked to walked past. I was polite and said hello. She looked quite shocked about. I hope I made her night.

Its amazing how much one persons opinion can change anothers veiw on themselves. One word can send a girl to throw up her last meal. Send someone to cry themselves to sleep. So why not make those words nice. imagine if instead of telling someone they are a bitch you tell them how lovely they are to be around. One good deed can make a persons day, week, even year. My mother trys to tell at least one stranger every time they go out how lovely they look. It means a lot when a complete stranger complements you or even smiles and says hello. I made someones day the other day because I was grinning like a manniac and the smile caught. It made her day.

So try to notice the little things in life, how your friend smiles, how your sister laughs. And make the effort to tell them. Make there day. Its amazing how noticing the little things about others helps you to grow.

So do I exist?

So I dont exist for a week and then suddenly you start to talk to me again...
Every time you have seen me in the past week you have talked to everyone except me. You looked at everyone but me. Maybe I cause you some pain I hope so cause it gives me pain to see you.

I think I would rather not exist for at least another week. Just to give me time to get over you.
I was close to it. Then you talked to me today. I wish you would make up your mind as to whether I exist in your eyes or not. I went through 8 years at primary school of being invisible its not actually as hard as people think it is. but the worst part is when people fluctuate between thinking you exist or not.

My exuberance and talkitiveness and hyperness was just so I could have an excuse to hide my proper feelings. If I had acted how i felt it would have been sullen and I wouldnt have talked to anyone. soooo...

But I can do it. I will get over you. I must get over you. You arent worth the pain, the sleepless nights, the not eating. If you cant bring yourself to face me then why should I care. So just get out of my life and my head for another week or two and maybe I will be able to face you as a friend again.

Music

I am a huuuuggggeeee fan of music! As long as it has a tune I will listen to it. I actually have a wide range of music. anything from classical to hip hop. Its amazing as well how much music can help. My room in the hostel can be seen from a walkway and often people walking past will look into my window to see me dancing around my room to my latest favourite song.

I think have begun to annoy my neighbours a little bit I think because I have a bad habit of singing along. But no one has complained yet soooo...

Music is such a good remedy. There is (im pretty sure) a song for every single mood you are in. Today I went into a music store and bought my new favourite bands album. I have listened to it a total of 3 times already and still love it.

Its such a nice feeling to just lie there and listen to it. Music is just such a wonderful way to express emotion and thoughts. I often wish I was better with words and was good at singing, becuase I would love to be a professional singer. Not for the Fame or the Fortune but for the pure love for music. That thought that a few people (or even millions) will listen to you and be able to relate to what you are talking about. That thought that you are doing someone else good.



My cousin will just randomly start singing along to what ever is playing in his car and my friends will randomly burst into song and start a big sing-a-long. Its so much fun to spread the love of music.

So the next time your feeling down... turn your favourite song up real loud and dance like no one is watching and sing like nobodys listening. It makes you feel intensly better.

'Music is the window to the soul'

The little things in life

The little things in life

When a friend comes to visit just because they can.
Getting a text from a friend that makes you laugh.
Relieving your childhood.
Messages from family whom you see once a year.
Talking all night.
Crunching through the autumn leaves.
The smell of freshly cut grass
Crunching the frost on the ground.
The sound of rain on a tin roof.
The peaceful sound of quiet.
The being by yourself but not feeling alone.
Walking.
Animals froliking.
Children laughing.
Hugs.
People being understanding.
Haveing friends that will be silly just to see you smile.
Losing track of the time.
Bing able to tell everything to someone you trust.
Just being able to vent.
And oh so many more.
They are the gentle reminder that there is good in the world


These are the ones that made me feel better this week. :)
I managed to make it to friday. bring on the weekend and the next week. i think i am ready to take on the world again.

The stripy T-Shirt

This is a short story i just submitted into the hall creative month compatition. Its totally true which made it all the more fun to write.

About 8 years ago mum, my 2 sisters and I went 2^nd hand shopping. I found what I thought was the coolest top ever. It had red and white stripes and a scoop neck. It was a little big for me but I loved it. So against my mother’s judgment (she thought the stripes ran in the wrong direction for me) I bought it. I wore it for a few weeks and then my older sister started with the jokes. She called a pirate or a candy cane every time I wore it and told me it made me look fat. It took about a month before I stopped wearing it all together. A year and a half later while cleaning out my clothes I gave the top to my younger siblings so they could have a new pirate top for dressing up. The top went from my favourite top to my least favourite in a short space of time. I don’t think my sister realised how much people’s words impacted me.

From the time I started primary school I was a lot smaller than the other kids and was more reserved. They all realised that I was ‘different’. I don’t remember exactly when the bullying started but it did. I had almost no friends. I remember the time I spent my lunch times talking on my walky-talky with my dolls at home or playing with my imaginary puppy. I could defiantly say that I did not agree with the say ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’ I would have much preferred the sticks and stones and the broken bones because they heal after a short time, words, well they can heal but it takes much longer. My sister never understood this impact. She tried to help me one time by telling off a boy who was teasing her because of our last name. She told the teacher, the teacher told the boy off and then the whole class thought it was me who told. The bullying got way worse. By the time I finished primary school I was so glad to go that I didn’t shed a single tear on my last day.

I was the first person when I got to high school to move off and find new friends. The kids from primary school always commented on how it was because I thought I was ‘better’ then them, when really it was because they never really had anything to do with me to start with other then to bully me, who wouldn’t want to move on. I found a new group of girls ones that were mostly in my classes and became friends with them. Till this day we are still friends. I grew as a person through this time. I came to understand that being an individual was more important then what other people said. The bullying began to stop and when it did occur it stopped hurting as much. I can’t say that things people say I can get rid of all together but having friends and people who remind you not to listen to them really does help.

2 months ago, at Halloween, my brothers and cousins were playing in the dress up box. They had spread the clothes all around the hall and their room. Lying in the hallway at the top of the pile was my stripy T-shirt. 5 years later and it still looked the same. I picked it up and wore it to school the next day (yes I haven’t grown that much in the past 7 years). All my friends commented on how cool it was. Suddenly I realised that it didn’t matter what people thought, if I liked it why did it matter. It has become one of my favourite tops again. I now no longer let people tell me how horrible I look in it and the candy cane and pirate thing doesn’t get at me anymore.

 The other day my sister told me I looked like a candy cane. I turned around and told her that it was no longer a funny joke. I care about what people think about me, but I care more about what I think about me. If it makes me look fat, then let it. I don’t care anymore. Why should I let someone else dictate what I wear, how I feel, what music I listen to or what I eat? It’s my life and I am finally going to start living it.

strength

Have you every sat there watching someone and thinking how strong they are?
so brave and capable. the sort of person that people go to for help the sort that seem like they can get through anything.
The sort of person you wish you could be.

Well the feeling you get when you realise you are like that person is incredible. It dawned on me that im the person who has got through so much with a few stumbles and trips but still ive made it here. People come to me for help all the time. I just havnt noticed that i help them. I thought I just bent to the pressure and that I reaally didnt like helping people or like people in general because of their hurting nature.

But Ive just realised that I help people because I like to make people feel better about themselves. Because I know what its like to be in a place where you hate yourself. I also enjoy the feeling of the fact that I was a reason for them to stick it out. or that helped them to pass an assignment.

Its an awsome feeling when you realise that you ARE strong and brave and the sort of person people look up to. From now on... I am going to strive to be an even better person so that people will want to be more like me.

"Have Faith, Have hope, Have enough to carry on"

Have a good day everyone... I think that I might today.

Letters

They are such a simple thing but its so much more exciting getting a letter in the post. I find them very exciting. They hold such a charm to them. The excitment of opening them finding out who sent it. whats in it etc.

Today I got back from my lectures to find a letter sitting in wait for me.I reckonised the handwritting straight away... it was from my mum. It was in one of those envelopes that has a clear window in the front, the envelopes most businesses use because they are too lazy to write the address out. and through that pannel i could see glitter! in the letter was a card from mum and dad telling me how much they love me, some grocery vouchers (YUSSS being a student these are always awsome), GLITTER, a little piece of art work form mum, a stick to poke holes in voodoo dolls of people who annoy me (mum has such a quirky sense of humor) and a picture from my little sister. The picture was probably my favourite part. We had a disscussion the other day about multiple ways of how much pain we would like some people to suffer and how we would inflict that pain. She drew all of it down for me. :) it made me laugh soooo much.

The beauty of getting snail mail is that its usually unexpected which makes it much better. Its much more personal and fun. Even at home i would enjoy getting my bankstatment in the post because it was for me. It holds such charm.

I LOVE GETTING MAIL!!!

Friend

Friend:
A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.

A friend is someone who is happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all; someone who doesn't mind driving you on stupid errands, who will get up at mi...dnight just because you want to go on an adventure, and who doesn’t have to talk to communicate with you.

A friend is someone who not only doesn't care if you're ugly or boring, but doesn't even think about it; someone who forgives you no matter what you do, and someone who tries to help you even when they don't know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you're being stupid, but who doesn't make you feel stupid.

My (almost) boyfriend

Ther is this guy who i have a huuuuuuuge crush on. and I have had one since I basically first met him
Hes funny, sweet, kind, interesting and didnt expect me to be someone im not.
He liked me too. The only thing that was stopping us being boyfriend and girlfriend was his studies.
then the holidays hit. We saw each other once while we were at home.
We got back and nothing had really changed.
2 weeks ago things were still very much the same.
I accused him last week of not caring. he ensured me he did.
Last night we talked for the first time in a few days.
He told me he only liked me as a friend
Im now confused.
I thought he liked me too.

now tonight I found out that another girl likes him too.
she has been spending more and more time with him.
She doesnt like me much.
Is that what changed?
Her? she ruined everything we had and might have had?
Is there any chance like you said there might be of us every being together?

He has torn my heart out.
Little does he know how much it hurts
I won't tell him.
I doubt he will care.

The worst part is I had just started to get secure.
Now this happens.
I knew it was too good to be true.

anxiety

My anxiety attacks have gotten worse. I dont think the medication is working any more. or maybe it was just the dissappointment in finding out that the person who i thought liked me a lot doesnt. Or that two of the girls (who im not friends with) call me a bitch behind my back. I dont know if it is that bit that hurts or knowing that i was lied to about it. I grew up being bullied i had no friends through primary school and few friends at high school. I tried to make that change once I got to university. I have put my self out there more. tried my best to be friendly with people... my best effort is i have one girl who i am very close with though she is two years older than me and some boys who we are kinda close. There are another few girls i am getting closer with and they seem to understand me a little more than some people do. but it thought i could change how people see me... well i was wrong. Im still seen as the short, fat, dorky girl. I know im unusual but i wish people would stop rubbing it in.I HAVE a dry sense of humor so what... I am studying horticulture... but thats not that unusual. truth is i like plants better because they dont have a personality they wont hurt me or hate me. They just grow and grow and grow. I wish i could be more like them. Quiet, Strong. but no i am cursed with my sharp tounge which means i easily offend people and I have issues that even i cant solve. There is always a source to my anxiety but you know this time i cant find it. Maybe writting this all down will make me feel better, maybe it wont. Maybe telling a whole lot of strangers will help maybe it wont.

I wish i still had my walls. After all those years in primary school of being bullied i built my self some pretty tough walls around myslef. Recently I started to tear them down. Now all i want is to desperatly have them back agin. But they are gone now and building them takes a lot longer then tearing them down.

Who knows though... maybe its a good thing I have started to feel once again... maybe the anxiety is a good thing...

I no longer care

I have suddenly realised that I no longer care what other people think about me. If they don’t like me the way I am they will just have to get over it. I am sick of changing for people who do not matter in my life. Why should I keep changing just to fit in? Being ‘Normal’ isn’t important, I mean what is the definition of normal. If it means wearing makeup and flirting with guys, wearing slutty clothes, getting drunk, sleeping around, then I will pass on the normal stature. I would rather just be me.

I don’t care if people know who I like and think that it’s funny. It’s my life and if they don’t like it then they don’t have to be part of it. I don’t care if people think I am weird. It’s who I am and if they don’t like it well, that’s their problem not mine.

Advanced Appology

just thought i would appologise in advance.
I am Dyslexic so appologise for any mistakes that I may have made that dont make much sense
or stuff like that. :)

funny feeling

Its a funny feeling,
learning things about a friend,
you never knew before
the things they wouldnt share
thinking you would judge them
the funny thing is you always
knew that they hurt,
and knew that they struggled.

Yet the hardest part,
is trying to,
work out how to help them,
how to reach,
when all they do
is pull away from love...

I feel like i loose my friends
because im not able to help them
but for all my help i thought i give
what if its not enough.

How do you show them
that there are people who care?

Its a funny feeling.