anxiety

My anxiety attacks have gotten worse. I dont think the medication is working any more. or maybe it was just the dissappointment in finding out that the person who i thought liked me a lot doesnt. Or that two of the girls (who im not friends with) call me a bitch behind my back. I dont know if it is that bit that hurts or knowing that i was lied to about it. I grew up being bullied i had no friends through primary school and few friends at high school. I tried to make that change once I got to university. I have put my self out there more. tried my best to be friendly with people... my best effort is i have one girl who i am very close with though she is two years older than me and some boys who we are kinda close. There are another few girls i am getting closer with and they seem to understand me a little more than some people do. but it thought i could change how people see me... well i was wrong. Im still seen as the short, fat, dorky girl. I know im unusual but i wish people would stop rubbing it in.I HAVE a dry sense of humor so what... I am studying horticulture... but thats not that unusual. truth is i like plants better because they dont have a personality they wont hurt me or hate me. They just grow and grow and grow. I wish i could be more like them. Quiet, Strong. but no i am cursed with my sharp tounge which means i easily offend people and I have issues that even i cant solve. There is always a source to my anxiety but you know this time i cant find it. Maybe writting this all down will make me feel better, maybe it wont. Maybe telling a whole lot of strangers will help maybe it wont.

I wish i still had my walls. After all those years in primary school of being bullied i built my self some pretty tough walls around myslef. Recently I started to tear them down. Now all i want is to desperatly have them back agin. But they are gone now and building them takes a lot longer then tearing them down.

Who knows though... maybe its a good thing I have started to feel once again... maybe the anxiety is a good thing...