learning

Today is the last day of classes for my first semester at university. I Have a test. I have spent the last hour helping a friend who hasnt gone to any of the lectures for this topic. I have learnt a valuble lesson from him. Go to class. Learn what you need to. Learn from mistakes, of your self and others. because having the knowledge to deal with a situation will be very helpful when you get to the situation.

I am glad I know what I am doing :)

keep it real guys and have a brilliant friday :)

The little things You tend to not notice.

It such a wonderful feeling to know you are a good person.
I am no longer the dorky little kid from primary school who had no friends.
Im the person that people like. Will go out of their way to talk to.

This evening I met a girl I have never met before. She wasnt going to sit with us at dinner but decided to but said she probably would not talk much. I had a very plesent conversation with her. When me and my friend got back she told me I was really good at making people feel comfortable and getting people to talk. I had never noticed it before.

The other night I was complaining about being short and fat. The girl I was telling turned around and told me that I wasnt fat and that My prettiness made up for the height. I went into shock. I have never had someone who barely knows me tell me I am pretty. It was such a nice change.

While standing in the hallway tonight a girl who I have seen but never talked to walked past. I was polite and said hello. She looked quite shocked about. I hope I made her night.

Its amazing how much one persons opinion can change anothers veiw on themselves. One word can send a girl to throw up her last meal. Send someone to cry themselves to sleep. So why not make those words nice. imagine if instead of telling someone they are a bitch you tell them how lovely they are to be around. One good deed can make a persons day, week, even year. My mother trys to tell at least one stranger every time they go out how lovely they look. It means a lot when a complete stranger complements you or even smiles and says hello. I made someones day the other day because I was grinning like a manniac and the smile caught. It made her day.

So try to notice the little things in life, how your friend smiles, how your sister laughs. And make the effort to tell them. Make there day. Its amazing how noticing the little things about others helps you to grow.

So do I exist?

So I dont exist for a week and then suddenly you start to talk to me again...
Every time you have seen me in the past week you have talked to everyone except me. You looked at everyone but me. Maybe I cause you some pain I hope so cause it gives me pain to see you.

I think I would rather not exist for at least another week. Just to give me time to get over you.
I was close to it. Then you talked to me today. I wish you would make up your mind as to whether I exist in your eyes or not. I went through 8 years at primary school of being invisible its not actually as hard as people think it is. but the worst part is when people fluctuate between thinking you exist or not.

My exuberance and talkitiveness and hyperness was just so I could have an excuse to hide my proper feelings. If I had acted how i felt it would have been sullen and I wouldnt have talked to anyone. soooo...

But I can do it. I will get over you. I must get over you. You arent worth the pain, the sleepless nights, the not eating. If you cant bring yourself to face me then why should I care. So just get out of my life and my head for another week or two and maybe I will be able to face you as a friend again.

Music

I am a huuuuggggeeee fan of music! As long as it has a tune I will listen to it. I actually have a wide range of music. anything from classical to hip hop. Its amazing as well how much music can help. My room in the hostel can be seen from a walkway and often people walking past will look into my window to see me dancing around my room to my latest favourite song.

I think have begun to annoy my neighbours a little bit I think because I have a bad habit of singing along. But no one has complained yet soooo...

Music is such a good remedy. There is (im pretty sure) a song for every single mood you are in. Today I went into a music store and bought my new favourite bands album. I have listened to it a total of 3 times already and still love it.

Its such a nice feeling to just lie there and listen to it. Music is just such a wonderful way to express emotion and thoughts. I often wish I was better with words and was good at singing, becuase I would love to be a professional singer. Not for the Fame or the Fortune but for the pure love for music. That thought that a few people (or even millions) will listen to you and be able to relate to what you are talking about. That thought that you are doing someone else good.



My cousin will just randomly start singing along to what ever is playing in his car and my friends will randomly burst into song and start a big sing-a-long. Its so much fun to spread the love of music.

So the next time your feeling down... turn your favourite song up real loud and dance like no one is watching and sing like nobodys listening. It makes you feel intensly better.

'Music is the window to the soul'

The little things in life

The little things in life

When a friend comes to visit just because they can.
Getting a text from a friend that makes you laugh.
Relieving your childhood.
Messages from family whom you see once a year.
Talking all night.
Crunching through the autumn leaves.
The smell of freshly cut grass
Crunching the frost on the ground.
The sound of rain on a tin roof.
The peaceful sound of quiet.
The being by yourself but not feeling alone.
Walking.
Animals froliking.
Children laughing.
Hugs.
People being understanding.
Haveing friends that will be silly just to see you smile.
Losing track of the time.
Bing able to tell everything to someone you trust.
Just being able to vent.
And oh so many more.
They are the gentle reminder that there is good in the world


These are the ones that made me feel better this week. :)
I managed to make it to friday. bring on the weekend and the next week. i think i am ready to take on the world again.

The stripy T-Shirt

This is a short story i just submitted into the hall creative month compatition. Its totally true which made it all the more fun to write.

About 8 years ago mum, my 2 sisters and I went 2^nd hand shopping. I found what I thought was the coolest top ever. It had red and white stripes and a scoop neck. It was a little big for me but I loved it. So against my mother’s judgment (she thought the stripes ran in the wrong direction for me) I bought it. I wore it for a few weeks and then my older sister started with the jokes. She called a pirate or a candy cane every time I wore it and told me it made me look fat. It took about a month before I stopped wearing it all together. A year and a half later while cleaning out my clothes I gave the top to my younger siblings so they could have a new pirate top for dressing up. The top went from my favourite top to my least favourite in a short space of time. I don’t think my sister realised how much people’s words impacted me.

From the time I started primary school I was a lot smaller than the other kids and was more reserved. They all realised that I was ‘different’. I don’t remember exactly when the bullying started but it did. I had almost no friends. I remember the time I spent my lunch times talking on my walky-talky with my dolls at home or playing with my imaginary puppy. I could defiantly say that I did not agree with the say ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’ I would have much preferred the sticks and stones and the broken bones because they heal after a short time, words, well they can heal but it takes much longer. My sister never understood this impact. She tried to help me one time by telling off a boy who was teasing her because of our last name. She told the teacher, the teacher told the boy off and then the whole class thought it was me who told. The bullying got way worse. By the time I finished primary school I was so glad to go that I didn’t shed a single tear on my last day.

I was the first person when I got to high school to move off and find new friends. The kids from primary school always commented on how it was because I thought I was ‘better’ then them, when really it was because they never really had anything to do with me to start with other then to bully me, who wouldn’t want to move on. I found a new group of girls ones that were mostly in my classes and became friends with them. Till this day we are still friends. I grew as a person through this time. I came to understand that being an individual was more important then what other people said. The bullying began to stop and when it did occur it stopped hurting as much. I can’t say that things people say I can get rid of all together but having friends and people who remind you not to listen to them really does help.

2 months ago, at Halloween, my brothers and cousins were playing in the dress up box. They had spread the clothes all around the hall and their room. Lying in the hallway at the top of the pile was my stripy T-shirt. 5 years later and it still looked the same. I picked it up and wore it to school the next day (yes I haven’t grown that much in the past 7 years). All my friends commented on how cool it was. Suddenly I realised that it didn’t matter what people thought, if I liked it why did it matter. It has become one of my favourite tops again. I now no longer let people tell me how horrible I look in it and the candy cane and pirate thing doesn’t get at me anymore.

 The other day my sister told me I looked like a candy cane. I turned around and told her that it was no longer a funny joke. I care about what people think about me, but I care more about what I think about me. If it makes me look fat, then let it. I don’t care anymore. Why should I let someone else dictate what I wear, how I feel, what music I listen to or what I eat? It’s my life and I am finally going to start living it.

strength

Have you every sat there watching someone and thinking how strong they are?
so brave and capable. the sort of person that people go to for help the sort that seem like they can get through anything.
The sort of person you wish you could be.

Well the feeling you get when you realise you are like that person is incredible. It dawned on me that im the person who has got through so much with a few stumbles and trips but still ive made it here. People come to me for help all the time. I just havnt noticed that i help them. I thought I just bent to the pressure and that I reaally didnt like helping people or like people in general because of their hurting nature.

But Ive just realised that I help people because I like to make people feel better about themselves. Because I know what its like to be in a place where you hate yourself. I also enjoy the feeling of the fact that I was a reason for them to stick it out. or that helped them to pass an assignment.

Its an awsome feeling when you realise that you ARE strong and brave and the sort of person people look up to. From now on... I am going to strive to be an even better person so that people will want to be more like me.

"Have Faith, Have hope, Have enough to carry on"

Have a good day everyone... I think that I might today.

Letters

They are such a simple thing but its so much more exciting getting a letter in the post. I find them very exciting. They hold such a charm to them. The excitment of opening them finding out who sent it. whats in it etc.

Today I got back from my lectures to find a letter sitting in wait for me.I reckonised the handwritting straight away... it was from my mum. It was in one of those envelopes that has a clear window in the front, the envelopes most businesses use because they are too lazy to write the address out. and through that pannel i could see glitter! in the letter was a card from mum and dad telling me how much they love me, some grocery vouchers (YUSSS being a student these are always awsome), GLITTER, a little piece of art work form mum, a stick to poke holes in voodoo dolls of people who annoy me (mum has such a quirky sense of humor) and a picture from my little sister. The picture was probably my favourite part. We had a disscussion the other day about multiple ways of how much pain we would like some people to suffer and how we would inflict that pain. She drew all of it down for me. :) it made me laugh soooo much.

The beauty of getting snail mail is that its usually unexpected which makes it much better. Its much more personal and fun. Even at home i would enjoy getting my bankstatment in the post because it was for me. It holds such charm.

I LOVE GETTING MAIL!!!

Friend

Friend:
A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.

A friend is someone who is happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all; someone who doesn't mind driving you on stupid errands, who will get up at mi...dnight just because you want to go on an adventure, and who doesn’t have to talk to communicate with you.

A friend is someone who not only doesn't care if you're ugly or boring, but doesn't even think about it; someone who forgives you no matter what you do, and someone who tries to help you even when they don't know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you're being stupid, but who doesn't make you feel stupid.

My (almost) boyfriend

Ther is this guy who i have a huuuuuuuge crush on. and I have had one since I basically first met him
Hes funny, sweet, kind, interesting and didnt expect me to be someone im not.
He liked me too. The only thing that was stopping us being boyfriend and girlfriend was his studies.
then the holidays hit. We saw each other once while we were at home.
We got back and nothing had really changed.
2 weeks ago things were still very much the same.
I accused him last week of not caring. he ensured me he did.
Last night we talked for the first time in a few days.
He told me he only liked me as a friend
Im now confused.
I thought he liked me too.

now tonight I found out that another girl likes him too.
she has been spending more and more time with him.
She doesnt like me much.
Is that what changed?
Her? she ruined everything we had and might have had?
Is there any chance like you said there might be of us every being together?

He has torn my heart out.
Little does he know how much it hurts
I won't tell him.
I doubt he will care.

The worst part is I had just started to get secure.
Now this happens.
I knew it was too good to be true.

anxiety

My anxiety attacks have gotten worse. I dont think the medication is working any more. or maybe it was just the dissappointment in finding out that the person who i thought liked me a lot doesnt. Or that two of the girls (who im not friends with) call me a bitch behind my back. I dont know if it is that bit that hurts or knowing that i was lied to about it. I grew up being bullied i had no friends through primary school and few friends at high school. I tried to make that change once I got to university. I have put my self out there more. tried my best to be friendly with people... my best effort is i have one girl who i am very close with though she is two years older than me and some boys who we are kinda close. There are another few girls i am getting closer with and they seem to understand me a little more than some people do. but it thought i could change how people see me... well i was wrong. Im still seen as the short, fat, dorky girl. I know im unusual but i wish people would stop rubbing it in.I HAVE a dry sense of humor so what... I am studying horticulture... but thats not that unusual. truth is i like plants better because they dont have a personality they wont hurt me or hate me. They just grow and grow and grow. I wish i could be more like them. Quiet, Strong. but no i am cursed with my sharp tounge which means i easily offend people and I have issues that even i cant solve. There is always a source to my anxiety but you know this time i cant find it. Maybe writting this all down will make me feel better, maybe it wont. Maybe telling a whole lot of strangers will help maybe it wont.

I wish i still had my walls. After all those years in primary school of being bullied i built my self some pretty tough walls around myslef. Recently I started to tear them down. Now all i want is to desperatly have them back agin. But they are gone now and building them takes a lot longer then tearing them down.

Who knows though... maybe its a good thing I have started to feel once again... maybe the anxiety is a good thing...

I no longer care

I have suddenly realised that I no longer care what other people think about me. If they don’t like me the way I am they will just have to get over it. I am sick of changing for people who do not matter in my life. Why should I keep changing just to fit in? Being ‘Normal’ isn’t important, I mean what is the definition of normal. If it means wearing makeup and flirting with guys, wearing slutty clothes, getting drunk, sleeping around, then I will pass on the normal stature. I would rather just be me.

I don’t care if people know who I like and think that it’s funny. It’s my life and if they don’t like it then they don’t have to be part of it. I don’t care if people think I am weird. It’s who I am and if they don’t like it well, that’s their problem not mine.

Advanced Appology

just thought i would appologise in advance.
I am Dyslexic so appologise for any mistakes that I may have made that dont make much sense
or stuff like that. :)

funny feeling

Its a funny feeling,
learning things about a friend,
you never knew before
the things they wouldnt share
thinking you would judge them
the funny thing is you always
knew that they hurt,
and knew that they struggled.

Yet the hardest part,
is trying to,
work out how to help them,
how to reach,
when all they do
is pull away from love...

I feel like i loose my friends
because im not able to help them
but for all my help i thought i give
what if its not enough.

How do you show them
that there are people who care?

Its a funny feeling.