Afraid?

I wish that I wasn't so afraid of things.

for example: I am scared of heights, I'm scared of spiders. I hate chalk and chalk boards so much it can be classified as a fear. silly thinks to be afraid of right? but i can't help it but it would make life easier if I wasn't

But at the moment... I wish I wasn't afraid to be me. To show the world who I really am. Maybe its because I don't know who I am that I am afraid of it. or maybe I do but I'm scared of everyone's reaction. I wish I had the courage to stand up for myself. I really wish that for all my silliness of calling myself amazing... that I actually believed it. 

My fear is rooted in my past. things that happened in primary school and high school. I thought I had moved on. but apparently not. I feel like I have to live up to someone's expectations. Mostly my parents expectations. I know they love me for who I am... but I know that they are disappointed in me. 

I wish that I was able to live up to the expectations. but I am not perfect. I have never pretended to be... but for some reason... people still think I should be. 

I am sick of everyone expecting me to be someone I am not. Expecting me to know what is going on all the time. and yet when I am wrong or lost or slightly confused... people mock me and call me stupid and other stuff

maybe my fear is of people and peoples opinions. all in all I guess what I am trying to say is... Be nice, Be careful what you say and do. little things could trigger someone off at the slightest push. I mean look at me.... 

exams, life and other random stuff

its exam season here at the moment. i have had 3 out of my 4 exams already. i am totally sick of studying and being stuck indoors slaving over notes and past tests and everything else that comes along with them.

it was nice weather this week at points and so we lay in the sun and studied. i got sun burnt on ONE side of my body... and so im going to have a pretty funny tan line :)

I also now have a place to stay next year. FINALLY! its a nice 3 bedroom place with two teaching students. its in a nice neighborhood and has a REALLY nice kitchen. and we have a trampoline which is pretty awesome :)

i cant believe how fast this year has gone. its hard to believe i have been at uni for 2 semesters and i have almost completed my first year. i have a job lined up for the summer which should be great fun.